It is said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I believe this is an accurate description of my life. Maybe it’s the optimist in me, but I do believe just one more time and everything will turn out alright. (It’s a good thing I was never a gambler or I would be living in a van down by the river.)
In this chapter we will, again, revisit my Spanx issue, dilemma, problem, what-have-you.
It was a summer night, the breeze was soft, the night air warm and I was going out to dinner with close friends to a wonderful restaurant in downtown Portland. Lately I find myself dressing up any chance I get and this night was no different. (I think this is because I have collected a plethora of dresses in my closet and need to find purpose for them. I wear scrubs four days out of the week, so I go from wearing my daytime pajamas to my nighttime pajamas; a flirty dress with whimsical shoes is a joy.)
Anyway, this one night I was thrilled to try out a new dress. It was made of soft, flowing jersey and felt so good as it slipped over my shoulders. Upon close inspection I found it to be a bit too clingy in all the wrong places. What to do, what to do? I knew in my mind what to do but it was my last resort.
First I tried slightly stretching the fabric over those problems places. Nope. Then I thought of putting it in a steamy shower to “loosen the fabric.” I found out that’s not how it works with a jersey dress. I now had a slightly soggy, lackluster number that I had to hit with a blow dryer to bring it back to life.
Time was running out and I wasn’t going to miss this evening due to a dress malfunction. So, if you have read any of my previous blogs, you know what comes next. SPANX, the dress slimmer/tourniquet and bane of my life.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking . . . is she nuts? She already had a semi disaster with them and an episode that left her breathless with a Miracle Suit (which is just an aquatic version of Spanx.) Would she really stoop to the undergarment that can possibly cause bodily harm and certainly cause humiliation? Yes, she would. But, why, why, why, you ask? Please reference the first sentence of the entry. That should answer your question.
So, on they went with the same difficulty as in the past. Body parts were tucked, legs were flung, much huffing and puffing ensued and in the end they landed somewhere in the near vicinity of their intended location. I figured close is good enough and the effect was what I hoped for, so out the door I happily flew.
Somewhere in the middle of dinner I needed to go to the powder room. I fought this urge for some time before finally giving in. Off I trudged, knowing what was about to transpire. I proceeded on with my task and then came the time to get the Spanx back to their original position. You all know what’s coming next. It just wasn’t going work. I had too much liquid and much too much food. I tried exactly once to pull them up and then threw in the towel. I exited the powder room with the Spanx folded neatly in my hand.
Upon sitting down I slipped them in my purse, not saying a word. Except to the best friend. I leaned over and whispered, “My undergarment from hell is in my purse.” Thus began the laughing and choking and giggling and wheezing that seemed to go on and on. We never let on to our fellow diners what was up. It was a priceless moment between us.
Lesson learned? Spanx are evil. (Yes, I still have them in my wardrobe.) Insanity, theory proved? Beyond a shadow of a doubt.
magicalmess 