What follows is a conversation I recently had with a patient while trying to schedule a consultation. I write this in conversational form to convey the lunacy that ensued. My words appear in regular type, but my thoughts will appear in parentheses. Body language will appear in italics. Keep in mind this all happened on a Monday.
ME: May I help you? (voice is bright and perky)
PATIENT: I’d like to schedule an appointment to see the doctor.
ME: I’d be glad to help you with this. When did you have in mind?
PATIENT: I’m in a lot of pain and need to be seen this week.
ME: Alright, let’s look at tomorrow. Do you like mornings or afternoons? (I really want to help this woman. Smiling on the phone to convey friendliness)
PATIENT: Tomorrow’s not good.
ME: What day would be better for you?
PATIENT: Any time really, just not tomorrow.
ME: How about Wednesday?
PATIENT: What time?
ME: What’s good for you?
PATIENT: Anytime, what do you have?
ME: Well, I have morning or afternoon times. Which would be better?
PATIENT: What time in the morning?
ME: Do you like early, mid or late morning?
PATIENT: How early is early?
ME: 7 AM.
PATIENT: Are you nuts? How late are you open?
ME: Our last appointment is at 3:40pm.
PATIENT: Wednesday is not going to work. (Heave a little inaudible sigh)
ME: Will Thursday work for you?
PATIENT: What time do you have?
ME: I have several times available. What would you like?
PATIENT: What do you have? (are you kidding me, bigger sigh)
ME: (deep breath) I have 8:00, 9:15, 10:30, 1:00 and 2:45.
PATIENT: Nothing later?
ME: No, we never schedule anything later than 3:40. (Would like to sound stern but am holding it in. Starting to roll my eyes)
PATIENT: Well, this is a problem. I really hurt and need to be soon, ASAP.
ME: (Heavy sigh, just not audible) Let’s go back to tomorrow. What can I make work for you?
PATIENT: I could be there at 4:30.
ME: Our last appointment is at 3:40. (am I not speaking clearly?)
PATIENT: Well, I work until 5 but could get off early, like at 4:30. (is this some weird prank phone call? Have started to lean my forehead on my palm.)
ME: Let’s try Wednesday again. Can I make a time work for you? How about our last appointment at 3:40? (Just barely keeping it together. Starting to rub my temples.)
PATIENT: No, I have a pedicure appointment at 3.
ME: Okay, how about an early appointment at 7:30?
PATIENT: I have to be to work at 8.
ME: (seriously thinking about retiring after getting off this phone call. Head lowers down to the table.) Do you work every day?
PATIENT: Yes, 8 to 5.
ME: (Thinking about just lying here and sucking my thumb.) Okay, it sounds as if the earliest appointment we have at 7:00 would work out best for you. How about I make it for Thursday? (My perkiness has left me, I am now holding out for civil)
PATIENT: How long will the appointment be?
ME: (Maybe we’re getting somewhere. I raise my head up a little) Twenty minutes, we’ll have you on the road by 7:30 at the latest.
PATIENT: That just won’t work. What do you have next week? I have to be seen soon, I’m in a lot of pain and can hardly walk.
ME: (Seriously? You seem to be able to walk into have your toes done.) Okay, next week we are pretty open. What would work for you?
PATIENT: What do you have?
ME: (Have now taken the receiver an am silently swinging it around my head a couple of times.) Why don’t we do this, you give me a time and date and I’ll make it work, somehow.
PATIENT: Well, what do you have on Monday next week?
ME: (slightly hopeful. Now back upright in my chair.) I can fit you in at 3:40.
PATIENT: That won’t work, I have to take my daughter to swim lessons. Any other time, though. (I thought this woman worked til 5)
ME: (Just about to throw in the towel, starting to feel dizzy with a desire to bang my head on the desk.) Do you work next week?
PATIENT: Of course, I don’t have a day off for the next two months. I really need some help, my leg hurts so much.
ME: (Thinking of opening up the noon hour for her because I still have a smidgen of kindness left. Leaning back in my chair and putting my feet up.) If I opened up a spot at 12:30, could you come then?
PATIENT: I usually go out to lunch with my co-workers.
ME: ( I have lost the will to care. Leaning back even further.) A huh.
PATIENT: I guess I could miss one lunch.
ME: A huh.
PATIENT: Can you do that on Thursday of this week?
ME: (Yep, caring has gone, now I just want to survive without getting written up) I think I just might be able to do that.
PATIENT: Are you sure you don’t have anything earlier for this week? It’s really bad.
ME: Nope, nothing earlier for this week. As we were talking, all the spots filled up. (Lying my face off, don’t care.)
PATIENT: Well, I could come in for one of those noon appointments this week.
ME: Sorry, the doctor is in noon meetings all this week. (Just making stuff up now. Starting to close my eyes.)
PATIENT: You know, if I take off time from work I maybe could manage an appointment on Tuesday.
ME: Like I said, all appointments are booked this week. (Actually I have several blank spots open, but there’s no way this woman is getting any of them.)
PATIENT: Oh, guess I missed my chance.
ME: Yep. (Not feeling a bit bad about this lie.) Do you want a time next week?
PATIENT: Yes, what do you have?
ME: (Slipping into blissful unconsciousness. Head back, phone receiver dangling from my hand, feet up.)
PATIENT: Hello, hello, is anybody there?
ME: (Right before blackness overtakes me.) Let me transfer you to our schedulers………..
magicalmess 